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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2015 14:52:43 GMT -5
Alona Rao The Huntress
 General Race:beastfolk Age:20 Gender:female Alignment: chaotic neutral Class:warrior Occupation: bounty hunterPersonal Appearance Alona has fair skin with yellow, cat-like eyes. She has blonde hair, usually tied in a ponytail, and due to her beastfolk heritage, her ears lie on top of that blonde hair and resemble a cat's triangular ears. She also has a long, feline tail and retractable claws at the ends of her fingers. She tends to wear revealing outfits, most of which are patterned in greens and browns, making them great camouflage for forest environments. Personality Alona takes pride in her primal, bestial nature. She enjoys hunting- and not just animals. She makes a living off of tracking wanted criminals. She is an expert tracker in wilderness environments.
Alona’s social skills are definitely one of her weaknesses. She tends to say what she thinks without thinking about it or how it might be misinterpreted. While she can lie in wait for hours while on the hunt, in all other aspects of life she is quite impatient and impulsive. She is quick to anger and slow to forgive. While on the hunt she thinks out every action carefully, if an individual insults her pride she will get into a quarrel with him or her quite easily. These faults make it so that Alona has very few close friends. However, Alona is extremely loyal to anyone who can put up with her. Once she offers her hand in friendship, she will risk life and limb to help you out.
Owing perhaps to her feline heritage, Alona is a sensual creature. Much to her father’s chagrin, she tends to wear rather revealing outfits. She flirts with any male she finds attractive, even when he is quite clearly taken. She tends to perceive any male she has an interest in as “hers.” She becomes insanely jealous when a man she finds attractive does not appear to return her level of interest.
History Alona’s father Tavish Tao was a human soldier. In the midst of a very difficult and trying campaign, his commander ordered him and his fellow soldiers to march through a forest to lose the company of knights that were pursuing them. Unfortunately, this wasn’t just any forest- it was the Cydonian Woods. Tavish’s company of soldiers was whittled down day by day by ancient magical enchantments which disoriented the soldiers and caused them to fall prey to savage beastfolk and phantasms.
Tavish was able to survive thanks to the intervention of a beastfolk woman named Nalia Neko. After he was separated from his fellow soldiers by illusions and enchantments, he wandered around for days, starving and dehydrated, until he passed out. Nalia found him and nursed him back to health in her village at the edge of the woods. Tavish fell in love with Nalia and deserted from the war to become a civilian and marry Nalia.
A year later the two had a daughter they named Alona. Alona quickly demonstrated a love of the woods, nature, and adventure. She started exploring the edge of the Cydonian Woods by the time she was eight. By the time she had turned eleven, she was able to convince her father to give her lessons on hunting and trapping animals.
Tavish worried constantly about his daughter's adventurous spirit getting her injured, as well as her tendency to get into fights in the village. She began to express a degree of wanderlust in her teenage years, and her father strictly forbid her from wandering far from home. However, there came a point where Nalia's thirst for adventure overcame her fear of her father, and at the age of fifteen she left in the middle of the night with a bow, some arrows, and a couple supplies. She didn't return home for over a year, and when she did, she had established a career as a bounty hunter. Extra Other Information -Her favored weapon is the longbow. OOC Name Jreid How Did You Find Us? ad on Marvel/DC Rise and Fall Face Claim Night Raid - Leone, Alona Tal
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Post by Ryo on Jan 24, 2015 23:57:11 GMT -5
So first, fix the lack of spacing between each field under general. They were on separate lines and all being on the same line makes reading it difficult.
Her appearance and personality are a little barebones and I'd prefer they be fleshed out a bit more if you can.
Lastly, the entire first paragraph has me somewhat confused. You talk of a military campaign run by the humans. First off, who were they marching against, second why were other knights chasing them, and third why did this have them clear across the continent as a military unit? The biggest motion in the last 30 years was 30 years ago when the Cult of the Great Dragon popped up and that was a universal movement between all three nations to try and track down the cult. I doubt any mobilized human unit would end up all the way in Cydonian territory.
Next, the Cydonian Woods are Elf territory, not Beastfolk, so the majority you'd find there are Elves. Especially because the Cydonian Scouts patrol the woods specifically to make sure they are clear and safe. This doesn't mean that her father can't end up in the woods anyway in a more dangerous area, but you're not gonna get murdered by "savage beastfolk". Beastfolk for the most part aren't savage. They're more likely to be bandits than straight up savages. As for the nature of the woods themselves, they are not inherently magical woods that drive people insane. You could make it something like the territory of dangerous Phantasms that use magic to lure prey in, but the woods themselves are not inherently magic.
Honestly everything else in the history after the first paragraph is acceptable. The first paragraph just has enough wrong that I need to point it out. So fix that up along with the other minor things above and I'll take another look.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2015 9:34:21 GMT -5
I'm afraid I left the first paragraph as vague as possible because I did not see where any of this information was presented. I'm sorry that there is apparently nothing in the history that can apparently be worked with. I dunno- I'll see if I can salvage anything from this app.
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Post by Ryo on Jan 25, 2015 13:48:51 GMT -5
Only the first paragraph was an issue. Everything else was fine. As for this information:
From the Organizations entry of the Setting post in Important Information
From the Plot post in the Setting & Information thread in Important Information
From the Terra Heroum entry in the Setting post in Important Information
The Board Description of the Cydonian Woods, which you will notice does not mention enchantments to drive people insane
I shouldn't have to quote a source to tell you that Beastfolk aren't savages. That should be more than obvious from the fact they are a civilized race that members can play.
Considering that most of this information was found in a single thread, I believe it was in fact presented for you to see and know. I would suggest rereading some of the setting information again and use that to help fix that first paragraph. Perhaps make her father's unit one sent from Cydonia to hunt down Pact Mages and got ambushed during a trek through the woods. That's just one idea of how you can make it more in-line with the setting. As it is you have left one part vague so that it conflicts with the setting and the other you declare traits about aspects of the setting that are in fact false. I am simply trying to help you make the application not have such conflicts, and considering this is only one small part of the app it should be very easy to fix.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2015 22:29:15 GMT -5
I see your sources, however, it's kind of ridiculous to insist that there is not a single savage beastfolk. If there have historically been peoples who might be considered savage in the real world, why shouldn't there be savage populations in a fantasy setting? Is there no setting I could fix for the Cydonian Woods? I am sorry to see in this vast world that you have set up there are such vast limits on what people can do in terms of character creation.
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Post by Ryo on Jan 25, 2015 23:09:41 GMT -5
Savage implies, as you are trying to use it, having absolutely 0 contact with society. You're trying to say there is a sizable population of Beastfolk that have literally no ties to the vast society that controls most of this continent, and also somehow live in a magical forest that drives people insane that NOBODY seemed to have any knowledge about prior, let alone know where it was. On top of that, you are saying these savage Beastfolk are somehow immune to the effects of this forest so they can actually hunt there, AND also not get completely murdered by the local Phantasm population who would very much like to have them for lunch.
Yes this is a decently sized setting, but this is but a small part of a single continent. This is not the entire planet. This is not even the entire continent. So yes I can say that there is not a single Savage Beastfolk because Beastfolk have been made part of society. However, there are still plenty of options available. You are insisting on this single possible outcome for that scenario that is not even relevant to your character and is only there for the superfluous explanation of why her father hooked up with a Beastfolk chick. I have presented perfectly reasonable ways to achieve the same effect without going against what is already established. There are other ways as well that I did not mention, but again, you seem insistent on having your magical death forest filled with savages.
So tell me this then. Why would there be this magic forest that can drive people insane/spirit them away/whatever that nobody has dealt with prior, because that is kind of a dangerous thing? Why would this forest be filled with savage Beastfolk who have had no contact with society? Why would these Beastfolk be protected against the effects of this forest when humans and likely elves are not? And lastly, why is this single not-at-all-critical part of the backstory so important that it cannot be changed in any way shape or form from its current version to fit the setting when everything else is fine?
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