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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2015 11:06:16 GMT -5
 BEASTFOLK | FOURTEEN | FEMALE | CHAOTIC NEUTRAL | ROGUE | GOURMET |
appearance, Okui has light brown hair, red eyes and fluffy ears. She wears a blue long blue and golden coat, and wears and short black shirt. Her attire is what a typical girl her age would wear. She holsters her weapons on her back and conceals a small weapon in her sleeve. Her dagger often is covered in poison and has blood stains on it. | personality, When Ouki isn't hungry, she is the nicest girl you could possibly meet, she is kind, caring and very energetic. She loves to help out around places she visits, and enjoys questing. This is while Okui is in a peaceful state of mind.
When Okui is slightly hungry ,she starts to be able to smell a delicious smell emitting from the people around her, while this happens Okui is able to hold her self back from killing and eating people. But as the hunger greatens she becomes unable to hold herself back, and she will be overwhelmed with blood lust and target the nearest person to devour.
Okui is also obsessed with poisons, daggers and fresh meat. And her favorite poison is the kind that paralyses her victims, so that he can feast in peace without them struggling. |
history, When Okui was ten years old she was a good kind hearted and innocent child who lived in The Marshy Coast and believed she had loving family. But life wasn't so kind to her for long. She was abandoned by her family because they ran out of money, and left her for dead. Okui was left alone for weeks and after eating up all of the food in her home and and too afraid to leave the home, because her parents would punish her, and believing her parents would return for her while she would be gone. Okui started to get hungry...
Okui started to lose her fragile mind, as the hunger started to worsen. A mysterious man broke into her home at night to try and scavenge some of the items inside of the house. Okui was awakened by the noise that he was making, and could smell something delicious emitting from the room.
Okui picked up a sharp knife and walked into the room that the man was in, and she was overwhelmed by her hunger, and charged at him with all of the strength she had left, she impaled him with her knife. The man fell to the ground while blood started to gush out of neck. Okui licked the blood off her knife, enjoying the taste of his blood. Okui started to smile and slowly made her way towards the man. Okui grabbed more knives and stabbed his hands to the old oak floor. The man started to scream in agony, Okui enjoyed his suffering and started to devoured him slowly while he's still alive. Making him feel the immense pain as he tries to struggle free.
Okui finished him of by furiously slitting his throat slowly with the knife, and drinking the blood that gushed from his throat. Then she started to feast upon the rest of his body. By the time it was morning all that was left of this intruder was a bloody corpse stripped most of its flesh. And Okui sat by it, drenched in blood and still licking her fingers from the feast she just had. Okui smiled and slowly drifted to into a deep sleep.
When Okui had awoken from her sleep, she started cut up the rest of the half eaten body, and store it away for later. Okui Packed her things and decided to leave after she fully recovers. Okui has given up all the faith that she had for her parents to return. Okui then went on to burn her home down and take on a journey in search for her parents, and plans on making a exquisite dish out of them, also the possibility of enjoying dishes around the world. [b]SWORD ART ONLINE[/b], Silica [i]Okui Izawa[/i] played by OKUI who found us through ADVERTISEMENT |
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Post by Ryo on Feb 18, 2015 14:43:20 GMT -5
I feel like your backstory is relying on the anime trope of "bottomless stomach" because realistically, it would be REALLY difficult for a child (you've left out an age so I assume she's a young child at the time) to be able to actually consume all of the meat on an average adult male. I'm also a bit skeptical about her rather easily subduing the individual much larger and stronger than her, but shock and awe might've kept him from fighting back so I'll let that slide. However, I'd much rather you try to revise the whole "eat the guy" bit to be more believable.
You also mention "Okui started to lose her fragile mind even though it was already on the brink of breaking". I can understand somewhat that she'd likely be fairly stressed and scared from her family vanishing for a long period of time, but your inclusion of the clause "already on the brink of breaking" implies there was some other cause for it that is left entirely unmentioned. Might be worth either elaborating on that or revising the sentence to clarify more.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2015 15:12:40 GMT -5
Edited
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Post by Ryo on Feb 21, 2015 21:16:31 GMT -5
In case you had not noticed, I and some of the other staff have been busy and not able to go over every single application. We've stated this and you're just about the only one who doesn't seem to understand that. As well, double posting is not only adding fuel to the "not happy" fire but also breaking the rules. So technically, you've got quite a few strikes against you as is. I would recommend keeping this in mind in the future if you need things from the staff and we're busy. That being said, here's your review.
Your application is going to need a lot of additional work. Having taken time to read and evaluate it properly now, there's a lot of gaping holes and logical flaws that need to be addressed. - You state her family is loving, and then they suddenly pull a 180 and decide to abandon their child. This does not make any sense. I don't exactly believe that her parents woke up one morning and decided "Let's abandon the child we're genetically programmed to love". You're going to have to do quite a bit of explaining about how exactly she got abandoned and why.
- How exactly did it never cross her mind to step outside the front door to look for food after she ate everything in the house? She was there for weeks; most people would start thinking of scavenging for food long before they reached the point of starvation so why exactly could she not travel in search of food? Along these same lines, how did nobody ever enter the house to check on the child prior to this point?
- For some reason you've set her up as a "Hulk" when it comes to her cannibalism. She's only a cannibal when she's hungry? Why? This doesn't make sense. If she's insane enough to go from normal girl to cannibal to begin with, why in the hell is she somehow able to "bounce back" from that so easily as having a full stomach?You don't really recover from that kind of insanity that easily and it's not exactly the kind of thing you can fully control and deal with when you've reached that breaking point. Along these same lines, she's apparently inherently sadistic on top of being a cannibal, enjoying eating her food live? I don't see the point of this beyond "Creepy insane child" trope. This isn't even being a good predator; predators quickly kill their food so it can't run away or fight back. This is literally serving no purpose other than to make her more creepy and is going to need a bit more justification.
- I'm gonna have to retract my previous judgment on her subduing the guy. At best this is a malnourished, 14 year old girl somehow subduing a likely more-healthy-than-her adult male and then somehow also decapitating him. I'm not sure if you realize, but tearing someone's head off is hard. It kind of takes a lot of force to do so. Said malnourished girl would not have the physical strength to pull this off.
- Suddenly once she's murdered a guy and consumed his flesh does she finally realize that leaving the house is a good idea? Why in the hell did she never consider this before? See above.
- A separate note on her cannibalism, why does she randomly exclude Beastfolk? From a writer's perspective you seem to be doing this to avoid "true cannibalism" but frankly you don't. Cannibalism is defined as "the eating of the flesh of an animal by another animal of the same kind" and the three races are all Terrans. They may have some minor differences but they're largely the same. It's like trying to say a man from one continent eating a man from another continent isn't cannibalism because their skin tones are different or they have different nose shapes. That's still cannibalism. For someone who is considered a "gourmet", randomly excluding an entire group is rather odd, and trying to say "They don't smell delicious to her" is flimsy justification at best.
I'll leave it at this for now and see how you fix these up. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2015 9:33:42 GMT -5
My greatest apologies. Sorry about the double post it wont happen again.
I've edited it, and I hope it's ok.
Thank you =^-^=
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Post by Ryo on Feb 24, 2015 12:00:44 GMT -5
Okay this did change a lot of my old issues, but there's some still there and also some new ones. But this is definitely a step in the right direction.
You've still got her being the Hulk with her cannibalism. I understand you do not want her to constantly be eating people all of the time, but this is a kind of weird way to do it. I think it would be easier to simply say that she's able to better control herself when she isn't hungry, letting her put on the nice friendly persona. On that note though, what exactly is hungry for her to reach this point? Is it "I want a snack" hungry or "I am at the point of death from starvation" hungry or some other degree of hunger? The "scent" she smells I guess is basically part of the insanity that drove her to cannibalism, but why doesn't she smell that scent when she isn't hungry? Even if she can control her cannibalism when she isn't hungry, why does she not smell this scent? With normal food, even if we aren't hungry we can smell their scent. And again, I wouldn't say the sadism is the sign of a "Carnivore". Predators don't want their food to be able to run away. You don't have to get rid of the sadism if you want to keep it, but don't try to tie it to her cannibalistic tendencies in terms of its origin.
With the revisions to her history, I assume she was born to sociopath parents. Not sure why else they would decide to abandon her the second they ran out of money. The knife adds some more credibility to her subduing the man, but I'm still iffy on her having the strength in her condition to decapitate him even with the knife. You effectively have to saw through all the muscle, tissue, etc in the neck and also cleave your way through the spinal chord. I think it may be more believable if she simply made a massive cut in the guy's neck and "drank" from that instead of full on decapitation.
That being said, now I have to wonder....where did she live anyway? You've avoided giving her home a location but I'm a bit concerned about some of these events which varies based on where its located.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2015 13:48:16 GMT -5
Edited ^^
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Post by Ryo on Feb 27, 2015 1:33:43 GMT -5
While I don't like telling people this, it might be better if you reorganized/redid/edited the personality. Several times while going back over this I kept finding myself thinking you hadn't changed anything when all your additions have been in the second paragraph, when several of them feel more relevant to the first. I'd say perhaps organize it in an order of "Describe what she's like when she's not eating people -> Describe what happens to her when she reaches that point where hunger overrules inhibitions -> Describe what she's like when she's lost all inhibition" so that it's easy to tell what information relates to what. Also you still haven't addressed the whole sadism thing I keep mentioning, where "she likes to eat her food slowly and watch them suffer as she devours them". If you're tying her cannibalistic tendencies to insanity + primal instinct, this directly goes against that as eating slowly and keeping it alive only makes your prey more likely to fight back or run away.
As far as the history, with you being in the Marshy Coast I feel like you'd either be far enough away from civilization that nobody would reasonably be wandering that far out, let alone breaking into a house just to rob it, or close enough that there's no real reason for her to starve. Going back over the reasoning why she never left the house....how old exactly was she when this happened? If she was fourteen or anything close to that I don't buy that she's "Too afraid to leave the house". By that age you're more than capable of leaving the house on your own, and there's no way fear would overpower the even stronger desire of "I need to survive" that would come from your hunger.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2015 7:57:42 GMT -5
Edited :3
but I don't really see a problem with her living in the Marshy Coast
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Post by Ryo on Mar 1, 2015 17:14:27 GMT -5
The issue is not the location itself. It's how you're handling it. You've now established your location as in the Marshy Coast, likely the marshlands. That means it's not a heavily settled area aside from Gaikokumachi on the coast and Cydonia. That ultimately leaves you two real options as far as where you're located. You are either A) Close enough to the city that someone could reasonably break in for the strict purpose of robbing and that money would in fact be an issue or B) Far enough out that there's nobody nearby to realize something is wrong in the house and that burning the place down doesn't catch any other possible settlements in the ensuing blaze.
In the event of the former, there's no reason for you to have gotten to the point of starvation because you'd be close enough that with a short amount of traveling she could reach civilization and thus acquire food. It's also more likely that someone would have entered the house for some reason long before she got to the point of starvation. In the case of the latter, it's highly unlikely that the family would have money troubles forcing the sociopathic parents to abandon roof and child to begin with. And I do keep calling them Sociopaths because that's the only way I can even rationalize the idea of them feigning love and care for their child for 10 years only to drop the act as soon as money becomes an issue and abandon their home and child without even a second thought. It's also rather unlikely that someone would break in if you're this far out and ONLY seek to rob valuables rather than say, seek shelter for the night.
As well, you mention her pinning the guy to the floor with multiple knives. So the floor is somehow simultaneously durable enough that he can't just pull his hand and the knife out of the floor, but old and decayed enough that her malnourished 10 year old body is able to produce enough force to pierce through the entire hand and into the wooden floor underneath it?
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